Fear is the only Sin

Today I went to a small park to hang out and play my violin. I found a great shady spot and was totally alone. So I thought.

An adult couple were lurking around the building, and decided to lurk closer so they could listen (apparently). Not long later a car drove up with a mother, father, and child. The little girl was sweet and seemed to enjoy my music. After they left an older man showed up and entered a locked door in the building, so he must work here. Finally, two people came by to play with their quadcopter.

When the family was leaving, the mother asked me if I was playing nearby soon. Asking if I performed nearby. I was kind of blown away. I am not sure someone would ask that, or make the assumptions necessary to ask that, unless they thought I was pretty good. I took that as a very nice compliment.

I felt rather good playing. I was confident. My shoulders hurt quite a bit but I kept pushing through it. I keep wanting to play. It is very satisfying to do so. After almost ninety minutes, I got so hungry I had to stop. So I made some food and began to leave. As I left my parking spot, the man who worked there stepped out and caught my attention.

This is how I met KC.

We somehow got right into the depth of the universe. He initially commented on my playing, and was very appreciative of it. He told me he could "hear my voice" in my style. And we seemed to be playing off each other quite well.

KC is Irish for sure. Apparently his mother didn't want to name him Casey, so she chose something else, but people ended up calling KC anyway. He has grandchildren and is a transplant to the area. He stood in the sun with an old, dark, well-worn baseball cap, a slightly oversized white t-shirt with evidence that he works in it, and large jean shorts that covered his sun kissed legs. Weathered by time, and experience, I felt like I was speaking with someone outside time.

Within the first few minutes he shared this with me, which prompted me to pull back into my parking spot and let the conversation continue.

1. Fear is the original and only sin.
2. Fear is only limitation.
3. Nothing is limited because the universe is unlimited.

I really appreciated this notion, as fear is a very regular experience for me. He clarified by saying that fear is limitation in thought mostly. That if he can limit your thinking he can control you.

He was touching on a subject I know well: context. Our awareness, knowledge, and understanding shape what we are allowed to see in life. Context is Queen. Context is everything and nothing. As abstract as context is, that is not the point of this post.

This conversation with him was very inspiring. Something allowed myself to see me from a new angle. I told him of my struggles with depersonalization, and how I choose to interact with other people. I mentioned that I feel like I am nothing, but a backboard for others, and I don't know myself at all. His responses truly touched me.

I think you deeply connected with who you are and you don't want to hurt people.

Suddenly, I'm confronted by my intelligence, my life of hiding, my struggle with connection, and my spirit, to see in a new way how valuable I am. I am not all those horrible things I tell myself. He aptly added that

The universe needed you to go through this part of life to bring you here.

He very much has a big picture in him all the time. Which I really appreciated. That part of the journey we are on is a ride to experience.

Speaking of spirit

a word I almost never use, he made a comment about this which really struck me.

We had circled around the idea of a soul. Where do we come from, where do we go after our body dies. He mentioned the movie Dogma, and the concept that an angel would give up their wings to be human.

An angel is unchanging. They would rather be human because humanity can change you.

This idea, that our soul/spirit, while connected with our body, this window, this nerve ending of the universe, is allowed to be changed by this experience. To go through this life and build karma for the next life.

In such a mood I imagine outcomes to my story characterized by grandeur, love, value. And these stories are hitting me hard. Harder than they normally do. I hate to say it but Brene Brown's books are really good. I hate to say it because a part of me still doesn't want to succeed, to live.

But I think I'm going to have to let go of that very soon.

If the rate of change is faster than the rate of adaptation you're going to have problems