Not my time

I can get pretty dark sometimes eh? I often feel that one reason I can't find a way out of my darkness is because of how reluctant I am to share my true feelings with people.

I don't want this life. I don't want this pain. And there must be some legitimate reasons to choose your own death. But I cannot discuss this with people in my life.

I feel like the last five years of my life have been all about one thing: What are the list of things I need to try before it is okay for me to die? If I try them all and I still have no relief, then it will be okay. I know I have yet to exhaust that list.