A comment on recovery

Three and a half years since I said "enough". Just over two years on hormones. I finally feel.. grounded. I am no longer plagued by intrusive, self debasing thoughts.

I worked my spirit so hard during this time, confronting nearly every inch of my life. I devoured new information, about healing, love, psychology, cultural studies, vulnerability, awareness, habits, sexual identity, self expression. I pushed myself to write, reflect, share, connect, empathize. I knew I had a long road ahead. It always had been a long road, but something changed.

Something bumped me and told me it was time to do it. Time to stop laying down and own that road. The time will pass no matter what I do. For me it took the stark awareness that I may have chronic pain my whole life, so I might as well stop hiding. One form of a "fuck it" statement. Fuck it, I'll try. Most likely you will be at a dark place when that moment will strike, and each time it happens you'll try harder to grasp it, permanently.

You hold on so long that you'll get through it. You know that one stumble does not make you a failure, but you've got to yell at yourself to believe it. You'll realize that it doesn't get better, YOU get better. You'll come to sit quietly and let the negative thoughts pass on through because they happen, and what's more important is the work you got to do. You'll cycle in and out of progress, everyone needs rest. And you'll sit back in awe just frequently enough to be energized again with pride.

You're doing it. Wait... you're not a human doing, you're a human being. So be! Be the person who kicks old habits in the butt. Be who you are today. Aim for a new way to be for tomorrow. Respect the process. It takes time. You'll get there.

2017-05-02: I could have told you a year ago how much bullshit this is. It's always bullshit. Don't ever believe a thing I say.